Sabotage??

Just when you think you have the best support team on your side, things go wonky.  People's perceptions of what you should be or were remain stuck in those old ways and when you least expect it.....someone plays that spade.

What was an amazing weekend for me was laced with frustration.  When my focus should have been on preparing for the longest walk/run I have ever participated in...(hey let's face it, I have never RUN anything) was sidetracked Saturday evening with drama and old patterns.  It made me mad!  For those that know me, that's a good thing...and I even expressed how I felt.  I said the  F word alot.. F OFF!  

Funny how things change but people's perception of how you should be may or may not.  The encounter I experienced was over eating a healthy meal to prepare for the race I had signed up for the next day.  Seems reasonable enough.  You would have thought I had asked someone to jump over the moon.  Being patronized and told to just go get a burger didn't sit well with me.  Neither did all the comments directed at the race.  "I don't know why you are so freaked up about this whole thing...it's just a puny 8.2 mile walk.  It's not like it's a marathon.  I never prepare for this kind of stuff, you don't need to, just go get a burger".

Honestly it hurt my feelings.  Why would someone encourage me to go through the drive through and get a burger?  Even after the race the next day I got no great job, wow, impressive, good for you.  What I got was "you should never have run that.  You have to ease into that running, I could have told you that sorry". SABOTAGE

So what your sayin is.......stay fat!  eat burgers and don't push yourself, you are not capable.  WOW!  And I don't mean WOW in a good way.

So turns out....I set a personal goal to run or walk a 5k by the fall.  Be under 15 minute miles, and FINISH!  I did all three and then some and I am so proud of myself.  It was long, and hard and my legs and calves were on fire, but I did it all by myself, nobody at the end rooting for me, just me myself and I.  I ran 4.5 miles of the 8.2 course.  WOW!! and I mean that in a GOOD way.  YAY ME!  Those old guilt trips are powerless on me.  The negative comments, the old perceptions of what I should look like....buh-bye!  It's a new day here and fitness is the new bitch!  Take that haters!  Watch out because I am gonna continue to break records and goals I set for myself and come out on top!  WINNING!

what doesn't kill ya!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  True.  Speaking up and saying what you need to say isn't always easy, and sometimes it's very difficult, especially for me.  I'm learning to speak up and take control of my life, to set healthier bounderies with people, and to say no.  It doesn't kill me, and it does make me stronger.

I have the courage and the power to move through everything in life, and to find a silver lining.  My silver lining right now is the joy that I am finding in being me.  I have my ex husband to thank for that, and surfer dude too.  My ex for  taking me to a place I never want to see again, my bottom in November and opening the door to move from a tired dysfunctional relationship beyond repair, a sad and lonely me.  Surfer dude gets credit for pulling me through that door and making me realize that there is life after death in a sense, and I am a sexy woman.   Do I want a relationship again?  Eventually, but for now I am happy hooking up with the occasional meeting with Surfer Dude and getting healthy, mind body and soul.  I just got let out of the cave.... I'm not too eager to go back in haha.

So today I am kissing yesterday goodbye one day and pound at a time, and happily living for today!  

Gratitude

I am so grateful for booty camp and zumba it is changing my life every day and now I am to the point that I don't want to miss a day.  I am actually planning my work schedule around them ha ha!  Not something I could say even 4 weeks ago.  I just did a recent assesment, lost 3 pounds ...meh in three weeks I want it to be more, but I lost 1.5 inches on my waist, 1 point on my BMI and body fat..wooohoo!

I am seeing success and I will succeed.  Get ready world because I am kicking booty and ready to unleash the Kraken haha!

The door is OPEN

Another milestone for me.  I have been avoiding this topic for some time and although I didn't discuss over the phone, I did through text.  I asked my soon to be ex-husband to file for divorce.  I need the closure and so does he and we need to move on.  I've already moved out and on, but this is the finality of the situation. 

It's hard to say goodbye to comfortable, but comfortable for me was a lonely place and miserable.  Too many nights spent crying, and dying inside only to put on a happy mask and pretend it was going to work out, or be okay.  I'm not sure why I tortured myself for so long?  Why I couldn't let go?  I was so afraid.

Not anymore.  I need to be happy and joyful, and I am a different person when I am not around my ex.  We seemed to bring out the worst in each other, but apart we can be friends.  He's happy and so am I.  I don't feel the need to sit in my house and be alone.  I want to be outside all the time here.  Yesterday I spent almost the entire day walking, riding my bike sitting by the ocean and watching the waves crash, watching people and surfer booty....clearly :)  and listening to great music.  Completely relaxing and wonderful.  I even ran into surferdude while walking my dogs....oh my did he look good!  chomp!!

I know that being married taught me forgiveness.  For some reason I was never able to forgive myself.  I could forgive him, my parents, people who had hurt me etc., but never myself.  I always felt guilty.  Today I am learning to forgive myself, be guilt free and shedding the guilty layers one ugly pound at a time.  Today is a new day. 

small steps... BIG REWARDS

Today another milestone.  For the first time in YEARs I can proudly say I did a situp without my trainers assistance, didn't cheat and not only did one... but many!  wooo hooo!  Imagine if you will laying on the ground and struggling to do one sit up!  And 3 people staring at you as you fail time and time again....bleh!  That was Friday last week. 

Today!  Big Whoop to myself for doing too many to count...all alone....no helpski.....did I mention nobody lifting my back!  So I am dancing a happy dance for myself and kissing that flabby fooba goodbye!

Demon Meat haha

Take it for what it is.  My sister brings me joy in some of the craziest ways, but I love her for that and embrace the crazy.  haha!

Today I woke up, went for a bike ride at the beach and then got my nails done a beautiful pink with a white flower.  Lovely.  While there my sister decided to discuss Demon Meat!  haha  WTH is Demon Meat you ask?

Pork Ribs! ........Clearly

Apparently when you eat enough Pork Ribs you have demonic dreams and nightmares.  I'm grateful that I do not eat Pork Ribs all that often, in fact rarely, so THANK YA BABY JESUS!!
However, back to the Demon Meat,  after discussing my diet with my girlfriends yesterday, I need more MEAT/Protein!   Ha ha.  LIKE  : ).... in a bad way! But seriously, I do need to be more aware of my diet.  I'm realizing that working out as hard as I am I require more protein.  You get programmed to think that carbs, sugar, meat is bad, eat more veggies, fruit, etc.  What the reality is is BALANCE. My Diet is out of balance, and my views need to be current and be modified.  I am living a lifestyle not a moment in time because I never want to end up here again!  My goal is to be more real with my diet, and try and find a daily realistic approach while I am working out like  a MOFO and needing more energy.  Future posts to come!

Part 2 -  My life is out of balance and has been for too long.  It's been out of balance in my marriage past, and in my current life.  My life is a work in progress or I'm a work in progress. 

Balance to me means health, relationships, financial, living in the moment! 

I am not being very realistic in my health in regards to my diet, and ok while I am really being honest relationships need work.  I have a relationship that needs to end, after 32 years, and I know that, see it and realize it, but am sad about it as much as I don't want to be married anymore.    A work in progress and in some regard a Demon Meat.  I never want a second serving, never want to taste it again, and don't want the nightmares anymore, but remember how sweet it was the first time I had it and how badly I wanted it again. 

BE DAMNED DEMON MEAT! and be gone!  In return I will happily accept BALANCE!

Butterflies are free to fly

I saw this in the middle of a mall and thought it was so beautiful to be surrounded by butterflies!  

Today I am flying because I made it through my week.  3 bootycamps, 2 Zumba classes and lot's of late night/early morning driving and inservicing.  A challenging week for sure, but I am so proud of myself.  I usually find an excuse not to go to class at least once a week, but this week I just wouldn't have it, and after a 7pm Zumba class last night and feeling physically exhausted and waking up at 6:30 to drive to Bootique Fitness.....I so wanted to lay in bed.  My hard work is paying off and I am going to be coming out of that fat cocoon I created sooner than later!

I am down 35 lbs!